Traveling Sprinkler

by Nicholson Baker

"Roz was--no doubt is--a wonderful sexpot. We used to pour each other tiny glasses of Tyrconnell and put them on our bedside tables. Tyrconnell was our sex drink. Let me tell you, the Irish did a lot more than save civilization. The first time she sipped it, Roz described how it tasted. Her first sip, she said, tasted of primeval forest. Then the second sip: slate patio. Third sip: patio furniture with slippery steps down to the garden. Fourth sip: meat, meat with heavy, dark green vegetable matter on an earthenware platter. Fifth sip: swallowing the platter. Sixth sip: recovery, bisque-colored envelopes." pg. 78

"I went and spent twenty dollars on sushi at Fresh Market, and then I went to the chocolate factory on Hanover Street and bought dessert: some special pistachio bark sprinkled with chili powder and cayenne pepper and cinnamon. It has magical mood-altering properties, I think, and even if it doesn't it tastes good." pg. 96

And of course you can't say, 'What I really want is you back,' either.

So instead I said, 'I think what I really want is an egg salad sandwich.' Roz has a particular way with egg salad--she adds in a rare kind of paprika and tarragon or some elusive spice I don't understand. 'We could meet at Fort McClary,' I said. 'I'll bring the picnic basket and the sliced carrots if you bring the egg salad sandwiches.'" pg. 1

"She'd brough a demi bottle of champagne to celebrate, which was awfully nice of her. The cork blew out the open window and we took bites of her egg salad. It was the best egg salad sandwich ever, and I said so. She'd almost made a lemony beets-and-greens creation. I offered her some carrots and she ate one, making an enormous sound." pg. 68

"At Fresh Market I bought a jar of pesto, a shrink-wrapped hunk of Parmesan cheese, and a blue box of cellentani pasta--the spiral kind that holds the pesto best. I thought of writing a song in which there would be a sudden silence and then a low voice, like the voice in "Low Rider," would intone the names of kinds of pasta. "Penne rigate, bum bum bum bum--rigatoni. Penne rigate, bum bum bum bum--rigatoni." Then: Cellentani! Cellentani! Cellentani!" pg. 110

"Nothing helps, because it's all new. It's something two people make up as they go along. I called her up again and told her there was an Indian place I knew where they made memorable fried eggplant balls. Then she laid the truth on me. She told me that she had something going with a somewhat famous literary man, a married man who lived in New York, and it was turning into a terrible ordeal because he probably wasn't ever going to leave his marriage, but there it was and she couldn't escape her feelings, she had to live through them." pg. 46 

"I know, that's how it works," he said. "Are you sure you haven't been drinking?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I would remember. I spent most of today and the hospital. A friend of mine just had a hysterectomy."

"Is she alright?"

"Yes, she is." He passed the pen back and forth again, and then gave me a long look. "You can go back to your car now." I got up and he walked with me. He said,"Can you please tell me why you have a bottle of beer near your seat?"

"What bottle of beer?" I said puzzled. I opened the door and saw what he'd seen. "It's Pellegrino," I said, pulling it out. "Sparkling water. I drink it after I go to Planet Fitness." pg. 206

"I used to stay up all night writing poems and then go to work hauling mattresses around, and to stay alert I would put a Reese's peanut butter cup in my mouth and start chewing it and then take a sip of water and the cold water would mix with the chocolate and the sweet peanut butter and the two would help each other. Cold fountain water through a Reese's cup, nothing better." pg. 80 

"I decanted the sushi onto plates and brought out the little soy sauce saucers so that we could each of us mix our own personal octane mix of wasabi. The best thing about sushi is the wasabi mustard--it clears your head like nothing else." pg. 98

"I called Roz's number and she answered. I asked if she was hungry.

'Yes!' she said.

'Because I have a fresh tank of hummus and some pita chips. Chickpeas are supposed to be good for you. They have lots of iron.'" pg. 233